Thursday, September 01, 2005

Awesome Girlfriend

Hey all that risk this blog. Sorry there hasn't been any activity on the blog for a long time. I really only have a couple of excuses and you all don't want to read about any of them so I won't hit you up with them. Sometimes, it takes me awhile to get inspired. Mostly due to the fact that Seamhead, the Violent Farmer and I aren't in touch as much, but I digress. On to the story.

The other night my girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to bed, when she noticed a wonderful show on HBO. I forget the actual title of the show, but somewhere in there was "Hookers" and "Hawaii." Let me tell you she was hyped to check it out and I had already seen the previous installments of the series "Life on the Street: Atlantic City Ho's" and "Pimps up Ho's Down". I knew I was in for some sounds of oral sex and some silouettes of Hookers and their "Johns" (as I've learned from the outstanding films of yesteryear) doing the "hide the sausage" in the alley.

Let's recap. She's hyped and I'm hyped. Then our world of hypedom starts to slowly come to a hault. The first "working girl" is fairly attractive. She's got long blond hair and very shapely. She's had an augmentation of the breast. Unfortunately, it spirals downward much faster starting now. So, if you are faint of heart stop reading.

Let's just say, she was a he that got his boy removed, turned inside out and now he's got a giner that used to be the outer skin of his glistening manhood. Something like that. I'm not an expert on how the sex change operation really goes. All I know is you shouldn't try it at home with a pair of salad tongs and a fillet knife.

Needless to say, our mouths are wide open. It was really like watching an accident. We just couldn't take our eyes off of the show. It was very difficult to tell she was ever a he. It got worse though my fine skeeter friends. The next "working girl" looked like J-Lo, if she had a 6" schlong. J-Lo decided he/she wasn't going to have the operation, because he/she liked his member too much. She/he said most of its customers were married men that liked she/he working them over and not like the normal working girl works over a married man, I would assume. I was now amazed to hear the "john" orally gratifying the "working girl". While most of you would have turned the channel 10 minutes ago, we were hanging on to it for dear life.

I won't go any deeper to the mess, I like to call "must see tv". I'm not going to tell you what we discussed after it was over. I will say that I'm secure enough with my sexuality to say that I'm never going to Hawaii and trusting any hookers no matter how attractive the he/shemales look. Wait, I'm just going to bypass the hooker scene all together. I wasn't appauled by this show, but I would suggest that children not watch it. hehe. 10 o'clock isn't just for skinemax anymore.

There's a valuable lesson to be learned here. I just can't put my finger on it. If anyone wants the thrillogy, I've got them on Tivo.


Thursday, August 04, 2005

Since there has been no activity on this blog what so ever, I have decided to post everything I can about William Hung until Skeeter Master starts bloging again Posted by Picasa

Monday, June 27, 2005

The last Taboo

I was perusing the NY Times today and saw that the House voted down elderly using Medicare and Medicaid for Viagra or other devices used to stop limpy. "We provide drugs through Medicare and Medicaid that are lifesaving drugs; we don't pay for lifestyle drugs," said Representative Steve King, Republican of Iowa, the chief sponsor of the measure. In an ironic story, Mr. King can't get it up either, but refuses to use taxpayers money to do so cause he's spending it on stopping the uses of dildos in the middle age people's houses. He was heard yelling from the shitter stall of the House, "If I CAN'T GET IT UP, THOSE BITCHES CAN'T GET OFF EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now seriously, I'll work an extra hour a week for some old fella to please his lady friend in the nursing home. Geez, the poor guy can only give so much lip service before he needs to clear out his excess blockage from around his prostate. I urge you all to work an extra hour for this service. It might be the last time old pimp gets to pull out the big hat and coat. I've decided to put a change jar in my office to buy Viagra or Cialis (whichever is cheapest) for my friends in the Nursing home here in town. Feel free to stop by and donate. The jar will be an old Planet Sub cup.

This reminds me of a story that took place when I was seven. While many of you all have been awakened or walked in on your parents having a little hide the sausage fun. I was blessed with my grandparents working the bed over once. Nothing like hearing your Gramps say "thank you for riding me that way baby". "With that new hip you move your ass like you were 39."

I can't wait to awaken my grandchildren, if I can continue to fornicate, with a little new hip sort of love. As long as they don't walk in to see my blind your eyes white rear doing the pump up the jam. Enjoy everyone. It's time to work a little extra for the elderly.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Sweaty Now Sterile

Big Sweaty's balls are now sore. He's at home with his codiene and his motrin massaging his balls. He made it through the big V, and he wants everyone to know Skeeter's still a fornicator. And luckily for the rest of us, The Sweatman will not be fathering anymore children.

Big Sweaty's smooth operation gives me some reassurance since I'm facing the same procedure in a couple of weeks.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Two for One Special

Friday night got the creative juices going thanks to Sweatster, Seamhead, Snatch and The Violent Farmer. I have to pass on a story that the Sweatster brought up on the ride to Columbia as well as a diner conversation.

I could get the specifics wrong, but I think Sweatster was around 7 or 8. He was a good Catholic boy and was taking his first communion. There was quite the line of mackerel snappers, just kidding. Anyway, one young lady had the fortune of being in front of the Sweatster in line. Unfortunately, she caught her hair on fire. Everyone starts going nuts. At this point in the story it's really hard to tell when truth ends and realty hits. The flames on her head have ranged anywhere to a smolder to damn near engulfing her whole body. While this blond haired beauty is about ready to look like the Human Torch, all the Sweatster can do is laugh. Not just laugh, but point and laugh hysterically. I remember him saying, "There was a whole vat of water right next to her. It wasn't like her life was really in danger." Which, believe it or not is exactly what the Christ loving people in the church did. Dunked her like a Krispy Kreme in the Holy Water. Can you believe that bitch still held a grudge to the Sweatster for 6 or 7 years. She had the audacity to ask him years later, "why would you laugh at that?" Calmly the Sweatster looked her in the eyes and uttered words I wish I would have come up with, "that is a once in a lifetime situation." You see you have to take it in and laugh. The Sweatster is correct about that. You have to laugh.

So, the Sweatster is eating supper with us and blurts out a name that I had to almost spew my beer out. Especially since the name was hurled towards me. Seamhead almost fell out of his chair. Someone brought up my relationship stumbling and Sweatster yells "FORNICATOR" across what seemed like he was in Johnson County and we were all in Boone County (which for those who don't know, we were all in Boone, hehe). Seamhead nearly chokes on the chile beer, Snatch is wondering what just happened in pure amazement that anyone would say such a thing, and I'm damn near speechless. I can't even get out I know you are but what am I. I immediately felt better at knowing he was getting his nutters clipped.

Learn to laugh my sick minded friends. I will leave you with one last Sweatster comment for the day: "In my opinion it's better to have 100 little wiennies than one big one."

Long Vacation

I've been inspired again to write. After meeting several of you all at Paul and the Violent Farmers show, I've seen I have touched so many of you in a great way. I don't want to let any of you down, so I've tried to lay off for a bit and get some good stuff to talk about. So, I thought I would blog some of the things Seamhead and I talk about during the day. Seamhead you know we have talked about everything I'm about to blog.

The snip n clip. The Big Sweatster and Seamhead went for the consultation to cut the pipeline where their microscope Americans swim. If you listen faintly there's gurgling yells from millions of the little guys with two tails waiting to get out, but they've found out they will be stuck there forever. I've asked both how they plan to shave the scrote and choad for the big offering. Big Sweatster wants to go for the aloe shaving cream with a sharp razor. Seamhead votes for the clippers. Trim em up boys, I saw a movie once that said it makes your boys look bigger. I think they should have laser surgery. That would remove that choad hair and sauder that pipeline up. The problem with this version is you have to have a marine paint the target from a few miles away. The doc has to have a smart scalpel. If he doesn't, not even Viagra is going to help you out. You have to go for the John W. Bobbit pump it up implant.

I told Seamhead while the marine was painting the target, they should get those hemorrhoids (from here on referred to as hemmos). He assured me there was no need for removing any of those from his bung. I asked if there was a problem with scaling bung. It sort of itches and losing a layer of skin down there is rather rough. pH is an option, but I don't really like lubing my bung with anything. I knew there was a problem when I was scratching down there and I was getting more than a little butt lint or pooh. Maybe a doc can read this and help me out. If there is one out there. I have a bad case of swamp ass too. I'm pretty sure that's the scientific term. It's when your crack gets all musty, humid and a little gooey. I think Gold Bond will help this out.

Now you might all wonder how we got to this sort of conversation. Here's how it works:
Seamhead: Did you read the memo about how the pres. Deceived us?
SM: I can't, it'll piss me off
SH: it pisses me off every time I read it
SM: A friend took a tour to Whiteman and the bomb dudes told him how smart the smart bombs really are. How they can blow a thing up in a 3 foot diameter and not hurt people 6-10 feet away.
SH: did he call bullshit
SM: I would have asked how in the fuck they killed all those women and children with the smart bombs.
SH: that's why they won't let you on the tour
SM: they are using yard darts if that's the truth
SM: maybe they can use a smart scalpel on your snip n clip or have a marine paint the target for you

and this is where the conversation goes into Vampire chicks on Stern with gigantic hemmos. Something was mentioned about biting hemmos out of your significant others bung to save some money. I think it was him. I would never say anything of the sorts.

So, to all of you that I met at the show. I hope you had to hit the back button as quick as usual. If you made it this far, Seamhead and I will have to discuss something a little more fun next time.

Hemmo Out

Saturday, May 28, 2005

This is my first try at posting a picture. In my opinion this is the best album of 2004  Posted by Hello

Friday, May 27, 2005

Spank Away Skeeterville

I feel like I should inform you all that May 28th is National Masturbation Day. Sorry I didn't post this earlier, but May is National Masturbation Month. If you want to help a non-profit charity of the Center for Sex and Culture out of San Francisco please look for pledges. You can participate in the Masturbate-A-Thon. Much like the Bike-A-Thon's of old, you raise money on how many laps around you can make. Hang on. How many times you can pleasure yourself in a day. The male record was set by an angry French man with carpal tunnel a few years ago by shuffling his way to a 137 performance day. I believe the female record was 560 by a hairy armed German lady. I think she's still got the shakes. Never fear fellow Skeeters, Dr. Carol Queen says there will be plenty of lube and latex for all who want to fly to San Fran. She pleads you not to ask for assistance, but you can support or inspire all of those around you.

Spank a few times for Charity.